Nearly half of marriages end in divorce.
This figure is often cited to suggest some sort of problem with ourselves, with society, but what if the problem is actually with our concept of marriage. What if we are not really meant to choose one person, to have and to hold, till death do us part?
What if we are, instead, meant to grow, change, evolve, follow our current, even when that means knowing it is time to let go?
When I attend weddings now, I find myself saddened by the vows of eternity, the ceremonies of binding. I have seen too many couples experience the guilt of breaking their vows when life pulls them apart. And I have seen too many couples held together by vows alone, by the threat of divine or family or self judgment, by the sense of shame and failure that still surrounds the word divorce.
I would not wish to do away with weddings, with celebrations of love and commitment, but there are so many more meaningful promises we can offer than eternity. Promises that do not bind us, but instead call us to lean in, to bring our whole selves, to see always the depth and divinity in each other.
It is approaching one year now since I chose, with great difficulty, to step out of marriage, out of partnership. I am a very different person than the 25-year-old budding scientist and engineer and who fell in love. And my partner, too, grew and changed and evolved during those years. Intersecting inner patterns that once created closeness and resonance shifted over time to instead create distance and dissonance. Contemplating compromise in major life choices began to feel more constraining than collaborative.
And yet I do not regret our choosing to marry, to bring our families together in celebration. These were our vows:
Continue to expand and renew our love for each other
Provide support and care in times of need
Learn and grow together and independently
Appreciate what we have in common, and what is unique to each
Strive to be fully present in each moment
Embrace each other’s family and friends
Acknowledge the beauty and sacredness in each other and the world around us
I feel that we took these very much to heart in our fourteen years together, and also that we did not break them in our separation. Sometimes, to love someone we must set them free, and the love is still there, in my heart. And also the care, the support, the appreciation, the respect for family.
I wonder if the problem is not that the divorce rate is too high but rather that it is not high enough, that too many of us are holding on too long, resisting our own inner guidance and holding tight to promises of eternity until the pain becomes too great, until resentment simmers, until one person or the other does or says something so painful that it projects into the past and rearranges our memories, until we begin to wonder whether our entire beautiful journey together was a mistake.
I well remember the tearful moment, while contemplating separation and still sitting together, looking deep into each others’ eyes, when I thought this would be so much easier if it felt justified. When I was sorely tempted to say unkind words, to break our trust, so that she might be the one to push away. And yet I stopped a short distance down that path, and for that I am most grateful.
We already carry enough wounding, attachment, insecurity within ourselves - or at least I did - that letting go can be the hardest choice we make, even when it is in alignment with our deeper selves, with the current of our inner rivers. We most certainly do not need the added judgment of others, the presumed judgment of God, the projection of shame, the expectations of society.
A partnership or marriage that “survives” through decades of resentment and bitterness is in no way a “success”. And a partnership that comes to an end after years or decades of deep connection is in no way a “failure”. I feel it is high time that we let this fall away, along with all of the other old stories that are falling away. Sometimes we find another with whom we will dance for the rest of this lifetime and perhaps beyond, though we can never know for certain in the moment how long our dance will last. And sometimes we spiral apart, find our own center and rhythm, open ourselves to new partnerships and possibilities. And it can all be OK.
Mark, as usual I enjoy your ideas and thoughtful, heartfelt words. I resonate with this story because my sweetheart and I divorced after 12 years together. We had grown apart, but to be more honest our relationship held each other back from our own individual personal growth, and staying together made that too painfully obvious. Through the painful separation we had the lucky opportunity and space to become reborn into new people, pursuing more depth and joy in our newfound freedom from codependency. After a few years apart we found our way back to eachother and started a new relationship and a new life and family together bringing together all the lessons we had learned while apart. Its been 9 years since we rekindled and I've had a lot of time to think about relationships and marriage. Well, we didnt remarry but we hold a sacred commitment to eachother that is even stronger than when we were married. I agree with a lot of your ideas about changing our expectations around marriage. However I think that many people in our culture are well suited to the forever, or for life/death do us part mindset. You are talking about a cultural change. Through my commitment to evaluating culture through the lens of culture living within myself, I've come to realize that culture is slow to change. And yet we still need culture changers and questioners. In my ideal world we would have a spectrum, a polyculture of marriage agreements. On one side the "room for growth and separation" marriage you described and on the other end the committed for life marriage many of us are accustomed to. When we start asking questions and when we are open to answers we may not even want to hear, then every binary is meant to be shattered it may seem. I appreciate the questions you are asking and I appreciate the cultural change you are making. May it echo out into the larger culture to those who need to hear it. Because I too want to live in a polyculture where choice, freedom and love are all celebrated at every level. I am glad to hear your blossoming and celebrating your journey. With love.
Wise words, Markael. Thank you for your honesty. I agree with you.
I suspect that the promise to love one another forever is born from two things: one, romance (nothing wrong with that), and two, fear and insecurity. And I also wonder whether the problem is not promising to love another for ever - at a heart-level that IS possible – but to love one another exclusively, and in very particular ways (and that is a glitch in romance). And after all society historically has considered monogamy to be essential for the structure and stability of said society. What limiting beliefs that imposes.
If I were education minister I would ensure that every teenager had as required reading on the curriculum a copy of Jungian James Hollis' amazing book 'The Eden Project: in search of the magical other'. AMAZING book. We are so short on emotional and psychological intelligence, even in our time.
Once I went to a wedding where the vicar said words along the lines of: 'there will be a time when one of you leaves the other; if by no other means than by death. It's worth remembering that in order to live and love wholeheartedly.'
We are not failures for no longer being with our 'one true love', but successes for doing our best in love even as it changes and morphs into something different.