On the nature of love

Photo by the author, Oregon coast, November 30, 2024

We are approaching five years since the arrival of a novel virus, and it seems there may soon be another. I remember that time as a period of dissonance for me. There was the steady drumbeat of messaging: If you love each other, stay home, don’t visit your grandparents, don’t gather with friends, stay six feet apart, don’t dance, don’t sing, wear a mask, postpone weddings and funerals. But this didn’t feel like love to me. It felt like fear, vigilance, a need for control. Meanwhile, those communities that chose to accept that death was now a greater possibility and that continued to gather, to embrace, to hold each other closer in the bittersweet knowledge of impermanence were described as selfish, irresponsible, uncaring. And yet that felt like love. Surrendering a need for control. Trusting the wisdom and capacity of the body. Prioritizing connection over survival. Choosing not to view fellow humans and family members as biohazards. And – in the end – the virus found its way even into the most sequestered spaces, and it seems there was little if any benefit to all of the security theater, all of the disruption, all of the fear. Next time, I will turn off the news sooner, follow my own heart.

Over the past couple of years, I have felt a similar dissonance within myself, as I recognized that some of what I considered love was in fact rooted in fear, insecurity, a sense of being incomplete, a need for validation, a need to be the one to fix things, a need to be chosen by another, a sense of safety and comfort in familiarity. Letting go of that has been a process filled with pain and grief but also healing, growing stronger, finding my own center, embodying more of myself.

In this time I am learning to flow, to accept the lessons of each day, to relax the need to understand, the need to form my life into a story. I am not sure what will be next in this space, but I trust the process of unfolding.

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Love is not safety
Love is not comfort
Love is not control
Love is not vigilance
Love is not concern

Love is not doing the right thing
Love is not saying the right thing
Love is not feeling others’ pain
Love is not reassurance
Love is not validation
Love is not coming to the rescue

Love is not choosing another
Love is not being chosen
Love is not commitment
Love is not loyalty
Love is not binding

Love is acknowledgement
Love is affirmation
Love is reciprocity
Love is mutuality
Love is seeing another deeply
Love is being seen
Love is freeing

Love is interconnection
Love is collaboration
Love is immersion
Love is presence

Love is listening
Love is understanding
Love is awareness
Love is living fully
Love is surrendering to mystery
Love is weaving the pattern

Love is